on the edge

it makes me happy to know you are thinking of me. i always think i see you and its always someone else. i've probably watched 20 movies this week. pick of the week is "on the edge"


what a feelin.....

everything feels upside down right now. i like the change. but i wish it wasn't all happening at once. ya know?

really hoping that this winter will be significantly more creative than last.

every once in a while i go back on my decision to move home. then i go visit, and i remember why i made that decision.

my goals are to become a better person, happier, more healthy, more tolerant, more balanced, more creative and kinder.

i'm trying hard to remember that change is a good thing.


a long time ago we used to be friends but I haven't thought of you lately at all


memories are like crumbs.
for a while you keep them, because you would like to have access to them when you feel like it. and every once in a while you want them so bad you turn the bag upside down and dump them all into your mouth at once. but usually, you hang on for a little while and then eventually they get brushed away, forgotten and sucked into a vacuum.


i don't feel like i'm at all in the same dimension as everyone else. its like i'm looking in a mirror and everyone else is clear and i'm blurry. and nothing is really happening because i'm observing the wrong dimension. its all extremely complicated. its stressful. its scary. it would be nice to get things right for once. it would be nice if everything was a lie and the real dimension was what things should be

things i don't want to forget

awkward hellos and holding back tears. five mile drives, confessions, sneaky deer, hippo ponds and mustache trees. Meaningful conversations. growling tummies, fishwiches, corn dogs, dirty windshields, and switching shoes. getting all the red lights, throwing things (religious emblems, moss, chains and the like) off of bridges, how to use my camera and pictures in the sky, leaving a very stinky bag of garbage on the street, lifelong promises, the BNI and dates that don't change digits (090909.) Really long parking lot hugs. Getting ready to drive away only to realize your shoes don't match. more long parking lot hugs. Remembering a friendship bracelet that you keep forgetting. even more long hugs.tears shed on the interstate and most important...a really good friend.


i think what makes this all so hard is knowing its going to get so much worse before it gets better


i feel like i'm constantly wasting time. It is as if nothing i do is worth the time spent on it. I would say maybe 10% of the productive things that i do are worthwhile. too many distractions. poop


a page torn out

so much has happened. I feel very overwhelmed. No. I feel almost nothing. Ambivalence. Or something like it. Almost like i've missed the programming that makes me human. and i'm suddenly learning how to feel and it's all coming at once.. This is almost enough to make me overload. As usual.

the good news is.... there is no good news. Right now i want to just disappear. Become someone unknown, unseen.

If it were up to me i'd start over a million years ago. Fix every dumb mistake ever made by anyone. I'd give that to my best friends, and their best friends. Aren't i generous?

I wish i could sleep. My eye is twitching. I think that means it's saying "hey dumb dumb, you're not sleeping enough. Hit the hey already."

i guess it's time to dream unsweet dreams of hate, disaster and the usual, yet again


The Angry Red Planet

Earth's first expedition to Mars loses contact -- and never gets it back. Mission Control successfully lands the ship remotely, but finds the crew's only two survivors in a fight for their lives. Horrific creatures, flesh-eating plants and unfriendly, intelligent life waiting for them at the ship they've struggled to get back to are only the start. It's what's they find out later that's truly frightening. …


night crawlers all dried up on the sunny side walk

sometimes when it rains it rains not only drops of water but also worms. Lately we've been having a lot of worm rain. does this happen anywhere else?


sometimes i think lonely people buy vans so they can keep their kids with them at all times, or so they can steal other peoples kids to keep with them at all times.


For just a few minutes Monday night she forgot she was a grown up and had more fun then than in nearly twenty years.

Twice she said to much. Still it did not seem to matter to anyone there that she might at any moment become someone totally different than who she appeared to be. And they knew this was a possibility too.

She slept better that night than she had in a long time, for there was work to be done in the morning and she couldn't risk forgetting something.

In the morning she forgot the most important thing. Which she remembered she had forgotten but it was already too late. And the day went on as normal as any other day, even though something was missing.


things i don't remember

every day i wake up a little bit earlier. i think the loss of sleep is making me lose my mind.


kickin it old school

i just polished my shoes.


Winter Makes Transparent

seeing things more clearly lately.

namely, i am tired of this whole thing.

i want to leave the house, but there's nothing to leave for. When i do leave i want to go straight back.

there's got to be something worth going out for.... got to be.


Artificial Intelligence

Last week my zune broke. For some reason, possibly because of mild trauma (being shoved violently into my locker,) my zune shut off. When i turned it back on the loading screen would appear but for some reason it couldn't get past that screen. The loading screen apparently drains the battery in a matter of minutes. So after the battery dies i plug it in, charge the bad boy up, turn it on and the same thing. This pattern was repeated until i gave up. I call this an electronic coma (EC).

I hadn't yet decided to pull the plug on my good friend yet, so i left him plugged in for a couple of days.

By Thursday last week my zune had come back to the land of the living. It had awaken from the EC and was back to working.

Something was different though.

Now normally my zune displays a sort of artificial intelligence(AI) and telepathy. For a year it was been linked to my brain waves and always played exactly what fit my mood. Occasionally it would throw in something a little weird. Which was like it was saying "hey, try listening to this, you haven't heard it in a LOOOOONNNNGGGGG time." which i appreciated because then i get a little more variety in my daily listenings.

But after Newton(my zune, not my cat) came out of it's EC it no longer played any normal music at all. Just all the weird random stuff other people had put on my computer and things i just couldn't bare to listen to at all.

I call this Electronic Amnesia (EA.)

It was as if Newton(the zune) had completely forgotten who i was and what i was like. It seemed as though we had never met, never used the same brain waves. We just couldn't connect. I did my best to reintroduce it to familiar things, places and people.

Then today, glorious tuesday, at work it's memory returned. The EA had vanished completely. Almost as though nothing had ever happened. We were back together again, Newton(the zune) playing all the perfect music, never missing a single beat. Not one weird song played all day. It may have been just getting back to work that freed it from the clutches of EA, the smell of cleaning supplies and the sounds of running water, vacuum cleaners and soft scrub bottle farts. Whatever it was it doesn't matter, i just thank the lord we've got our old Newton(the zune) back! Me and Newton(the zune and the cat) are an unstoppable team now! Stronger than ever!

This strange phenomenon has proven to me that microsoft has created a computer with a degree AI possibly unknowingly. If they are aware of the Zune's AI i'd be worried that we're being spied on a lot more than we think.

But at any rate i'm just glad it's working and back to normal.

true story. the end.


artificial intelligence

the capacity of a computer to perform operations analogous to learning and decision making in humans

e⋅lec⋅tron⋅ic am⋅ne⋅sia

[i-lek-tron-ik, am-nee-zhuh]
loss of a large block of interrelated memories or data; complete or partial loss of memory or data caused by trauma, shock, etc.

e⋅lec⋅tron⋅ic co⋅ma

[i-lek-tron-ik, koh-muh]
–noun, plural -mas.
a state of prolonged unconsciousness, including a lack of response to stimuli, from which it is impossible to rouse an electronic device.


communication between minds by some means other than sensory perception.