6.27.2008

I've decided to give up

Everyone keeps telling me i'm great and i will have no problem finding something that suits me. But if that is really the case then why wont anyone take me?

i'm tired of being turned down and people lying to my face.

i've decided to give up on the hunt. I'll just have to be miserable where i'm at forever i guess.

6.24.2008

like a dead man walking..

They tore down the denny's in ballard last night. After a year of being boarded up they finally demolished it in a few hours. It'll probably be on the news.

Skateboarding through ballard is super scary. too much speed. to much debris to hit. i scraped up my knee and palm pretty good trying to stop my board from shooting out into traffic. it hurts. but i'll live. i also stepped on the left front wheel on my board and fell on my back. which didn't hurt at all it was just hilarious. it hurt my pride a little. but not much.

District convention this weekend. i'm pretty excited for it. my mom is coming. i haven't seen her in a while.

Rando came home last night. maybe she'll go skate with me tomorrow after work.

Summer is finally here!

6.18.2008

The Search Continues

I'm tired of working because i have no other choice. and i'm tired of not being good enough. I feel like i'm getting dumber by the second. I'm grasping at the vocabulary i had as a child. So innocent and naive and enormous.

last night two people asked me if i cut my hair because i broke up with someone. They must not know me very well. Though i think they were on to something. I feel like i'm about to break up with the world. If things keep going the way they are i'm going to run away for good. Is it that obvious that i want to disappear right now? This very instant?

i'd like to have someone to run away with. i feel like that's all i'm waiting for. I'm okay with being poor i've been that way my whole life. I don't need to save money. I just need out.

6.11.2008

if i'm a spinster for the rest of my life my arms will keep me warm on cold and lonely nights

The search continues. Everyday i get a little closer to freedom. I just gotta find that one door out of here.

6.09.2008

did nothing today but walk a blind man to his bus stop

of all the emotionally disturbing things that have happened lately. you were the worst.
i'm fine now of course. and don't hold it against you. But next time don't mess with my head so much. i thought i'd be okay after that. but it took several strong drinks to get you out of my head and reorganize my thoughts. i'm wondering if this is your way of seeking revenge after all these years. i doubt it though.

between torrential downpours i warm up a little more. each day is flooding with unexpected dead trees and/or parts, which knock me over every time.

i'm tired of being defeated, lied to and forgotten.

6.06.2008

an enviable view point

you looked nice tonight.
the dark rain of today has been perfectly matched by the radiohead song (fade out) that randomly played during a burst of downpour.
condensed milk screwed me up good. i was sick. i fell down some stairs. i tried to laugh this off. but i'm still feeling the effects. i cant' wait til this passes.
tomorrow shall be a convergences of past and future. I'm not entirely sure how this will go. i'll probably need a shot of tequila to get myself through it.
i'd like to go live in the woods for some time. maybe that's what i'll do if my current situation requires a great deal of change. i'll find a cabin. and read all day. i better start saving my monies.
i was walking down the stairs at my apartment last night. it smelled like child hood memories. which caught me off guard.
this morning i woke up longing for the past, for a time when things seemed so hard, but upon reflection were much more inviting than now.

please forgive these thoughts of the past

6.02.2008

there aint no cure for the summertime blues

it was next to impossible to wake up this morning.
my dreams were scary and yet i couldn't bring myself to wake up and leave them.
i hate that.

keeping my fingers crossed for good things this after noon. one of two. i'll either want to celebrate or cry. don't know how much more waiting i can take.

wish me luck kiddo.