12.26.2008

Tonight we're starting a juice/alkaline balance cleanse thing.

we bought a juicer.
and vegetables galore.

I'm starving.

This starts with peeing on a little piece of paper.

That's what i'm going to do right.... NOW!

12.23.2008

all in all i think i've had the crappiest week ever. Which is severly disappointing because it was the first time in years it has snowed enough to keep me from leaving the house.

Though now i'm painfully aware of my desire to live the rest of my life in my bedroom watching paul newman movies. Never to meet a new person ever again, and right now i really feel like i could go for the rest of my life without ever seeing another person again.

But here are highlights.

Thursday much good fun in the sledding area by our house. And good time spent with friends.

Friday work butt off day. Roller skating, which i have little to say about except it just reminded me of some stuff i had hope to keep locked in the brain vault for years more.

Saturdy work morning, breakfast, home to read and listen to records for hours. Which was perfect. If i could spend my every waking moment like that i would be the calmest person on earth. Evening rolls around more snow hits the ground and walking is our only mode of transportation. The rest of the evening is a something i prefer not to ever relive again, and yet another motivation for me to stay in doors for the rest of my life. The result was a sprained thumb, many bruises in many ways.

Sunday we wake up really late, the rest of the day i don't really remember, which makes me think we didn't do much of anything at all. maybe walked to the grocery store?

Monday canceled work again. This was the best day! Went to marysville built and igloo at the walker's and had a blast.


Pictures of snow can be found here: www.npackage.buzznet.com

heart,
noodley


P.S. i realize that doesn't seem all that crappy but i left out the life changing bits, like when i lost my ex-boss's stupid dogs. and other things i'd rather not talk about. so you're going to have to trust me on this one..

12.20.2008

Nothing could possibly be more feel good than spending the evening snowed in with your favorite people.

Snow storms. Beer. Friends.

Yet lacking the few inaccessible.

Right now i am very happy.


EDIT____________________________________________
nothing could possible feel better than the relief that comes with this. REALIZE the TRUTH. no person should ever be the way you assume. NOTHING is ever as real as it feels until you slash it to pieces.

There are two people i want around right now.

It's not who you think it is. OR maybe it is. But i need you. And you're never there.

edit.____________________________


i bleed to please you.

shit luck.

12.18.2008

Working on Expanding my Brain activity

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
Surfing in hawaii this summer i got tossed by a wave and slashed my foot on a rock. Not terribly exciting.


2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
a picture my sister drew of a robot. and.... white paint

3. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE?
your typical anti-technology wont break too easily flip phone.

4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
i listen to music? whatever is playing in my head at the time. currently dishwasher

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
no... sometime during the 24 hour period known as september 30th 1986

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
MORE FLIPPIN SNOW!

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
i miss...... my sister?

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION/s?
Newton.. definitely newton, i couldn't live with out him.

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
oh this is an interesting one... i only get claustrophobic when i am in a large room and it's mostly empty except for when the area where i am is completely crowded with people.

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
no, the lights are never off in our apartment... which bothers me cause i like the dark the most.

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
em..... i was crying while driving but i don't remember why..... so... OH! right it was cause i lost my ex-boss's dogs, which thankfully turned up.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?
as a supersmeller, perfume makes me want to die. So please don't wear it around me.

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
it really doesn't matter. i prefer hair and eyes to no hair or eyes.... so... yeah.

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO AT?
probably somewhere really lame like... the kitchen or dicks.

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS?
definitely coffee. coffee is love. love is good.

17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
pizza sounds so horrible right now.

18. IF YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
nothing. food disgusts me!

19. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
myself. i dunno. i try not to get mad at anyone too often. Irritated is another story.

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU:
a warm gooey uterus to live in. Best apartment ever.

22. DO YOU LIKE ANYBODY?
i would say yes i like sombodies, but not everybody, i can tolerate almost anybody

23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
definitely not. but my sister was so 2xjointed when she was a baby they did studies on her.

24. Was a stupid question


25. WHAT'S YOUR DREAM CAR?
i really miss my truck. i dream about it.

26&27 were cut due to content and unapplicableness.

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
i dreamt that i did. but a logical minded person wouldn't fall in love with someone that they knew they couldn't be with, so i would like to think that being the logically minded person i am i wouldn't let that happen.

29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
Hit them in the face.

30. also a stupid question

31. another dumb one.

32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN?
probably randees

33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
loud noises

34. non applicable question

35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
being a superhero i shouldn't divulge such information as it could be used against me

37. FIRST JOB?
my first job ever was being an awesome kid

38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
no prank calls are immature.

39. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED OUT THIS?
Making a gingerbread house

40. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT BE?
no... i don't think i would change anything.

41. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY?
boredum

42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
right now how amazing my hair is.. Thanks to a little elf named demetri

43. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?
have a lot more money

44.i don't celebrate my birthday.

45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
i have newton that's all i need

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
my dad recently told me i was named after natty gan.... whoever that was. i'm going to google that right now.... http://www.ultimatedisney.com/images/nattygann1.jpg which now that i know, may have determined a lot of my childhood

47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
ummm. i can't see the stars cause i live in the city.

48. WHICH FINGER[S] IS YOUR FAVORITE?
i really like the 9 that don't have really painful hangnails at the moment.

49. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
maybe monday? or tuesday.

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
yes but only because it looks like a 5 year old boy's handwriting.

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
roast beef. god i love roast beef. Natalie & Roast Beef always and forever

52. ANY BAD HABITS?
nail bitting...

53. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF
none. i have learned to embrace my guilty pleasures

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
maybe. i am pretty cool. but i smell pretty bad

55. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL?
yes. some people are really good at dragging stuff out of me.

56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
being able to look at things is very important.

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
i don't really release anger. i guess that means someday i will explode into a huge firey ball of rage.

58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
currently randee's house in ballard

59. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY?
no. i wont even trust my own family.

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
um. hmm. probably my stuffed wolf, which i think i named wolfie... i still have it too. or maybe one of the cats we had at the time... or a hammer. i used to nail pieces of wood together all the time... man. woo.

61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
lets see....i have no way of knowing... but 90% of them are just so i know not to answer the phone.

63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
no never.. i hate sarcasm.

64. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT?
yes. Most recently i got the crap kicked out of me... good fight. good night.

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
Any qualities or features similar to paul newman.... the love of my life.

66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
i have lots. currently most used is Nads

68. DO YOU UN-TIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
only if they are too tight to get off without untying them.

70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
Here's me wishing i could eat ice cream. It used to be mint chocolate chip, but MCC soy ice cream is gaggy. sad day.

72. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLORS?
i love the color brown.

73.this was a redundant question.

74. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?
none, i've never had any. my dentist says i'm highly evolved.

75. BELETED

76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
randee tip tapping away at her computer.

77. LAST THING YOU ATE?
Waffles with strawberries... NO! gingerbread house

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
My mom. She's going to build a snowman tomorrow.

79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
I have absolutely no idea..

80. FAVORITE THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG:
Pooh Bear's Exercise song. Mostly cause i'm having a hard time remembering the lyrics

81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE:
Hate..... ASSparaGUST

82. FAVORITE DRINK(S)?
water, whiskey

83. I don't have even a funny answer to that question.

84. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT?
Ultimate Snow Playing

85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?
right now nearly black..

86. EYE COLOR?
The color of poo.

87. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES?
yeah the average big black framed nerd glasses. i can't see a thing without them. unless i'm wearing my contacts, like right now.

88. SIBLINGS?
i have a sister. She left me for an island. It's such a tragedy

89. FAVORITE MONTH?
Right now this month cause its snowing so muCH!

90. YOU LIKE SUSHI?
i have to be in the right mood for sushi which is usually not very hungry and have lots of money.

91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED?
and tigger too.


92. Dumb Question about days.

93. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
i don't usually let anyone know how i feel about that gushy stuff. So i doubt i'd tell the person i feel gushy about.

94. SUMMER OR WINTER?
This winter RULES!

95. KISSES OR HUGS?
Chocolate is good almost always regardless of the name.

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
Woooo. both scary scary scary. Me no likey

97 currently MIA


98. ARRRGGGGHHHH

99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
Nothing at the moment.. looking for something Gripping

100. IS ANYONE IN LOVE WITH YOU?
I highly doubt that. Except maybe.... NEWTON!

11.19.2008

whats wrong with seattle's police?

This morning while taking the garbage out at work i saw two bicycle cops riding up the hill from western to 1st ave hardly making it up the hill. They were going probably slower than i was walking carrying a large garbage can. Then one hit a tree.

When i laughed they both stopped and glared at me. Then i ran away cause i was affraid they'd arrest me on trumped up charges of laughing at dumb cops

11.16.2008

grin and beer it

i'm getting super stressed about the superhero party. more so now after this housewarming party that kinda blew my mind last night. i'm having a hard time recovering from it. argh.

10.12.2008

you and i think about the same things dream the same dreams

introductions are never easy. this one was. so natural. a comfort formerly unknown to the likes of myself. Times like they used to be. missing one intregal part of the equation. A very necessary element. One which science cannot work with out. The experiment is dead.

This is one of those times when going home is hard but always for the best. As much as it hurts. But who else provides this.

I Never asked for this.

What happened to you.

It's hard to take pride when nothing is up to par.

If the look of the country changes with the men we admire, what happens when the really good ones die?

Everything we do is wrong, everything we say is cryptic. How much longer can this go one before i lose it all.

lately i'm feeling lost.

9.08.2008

grapes with seeds are delicious but kind of a pain to deal with.

tomorrow i'm in the air. then in the water for a week and back in the air and then on dry land again.
looking forward to a change of scenery, but will be missing home very much.

7.31.2008

Last days

How old was the last person you kissed? 24 i think

Name something funny that happened this week? i made an enormous mess of toilet paper in a park bathroom, confetti style




What is bothering you right now? my digestive track



Do you get along with girls? some, most.





Who was the last person to call you baby? probably my mom when i was a baby. she said "yeah man... .this is my baby"

Who is the last person you had a deep meaningful conversation with? probably mariah, just cause we talk all day long at work.


What's on your mind right now? i only have 1 hour left at this job, and this questionaire thing



Which is more romantic: sunrise or sunset? i'm not sure i can tell the difference, i mean if you took me and put me in a box for several hours and didn't tell me what time it was and put me out side as the sun was moving, i'd likely be more confused about what was going on than feeling romantic



Do you tell your best friend EVERYTHING? i don't believe in best friends




How have you felt today? bored, hot, hungry, full, happy



How old do you look? i don't think that is a fair question because we always perceive ourselves differently than other people, so what age i might think i look like might be totally different that what everyone else things.



Are you waiting for something? the day to end



What were you doing at ten last night? taking pictures in a park bathroom, confetti style



Last myspace message you received? i dunno, i don't get many myspace messages

Does anyone hate you? i'm sure someone out there does. sometimes i think hubble hates me. like when she pee's on the floor, i think she has got to hate me to do that.


Can you handle the truth? i believe that the truth, while it may hurt is always better than a lie. The truth gives you ideas for improvement, lies just lead you to believe everything is okay when you shouldn't.



Anything you'd like to say to anyone? sure lots of things. doesn't mean i'll ever get the chance or have the guts to say them.



Have you ever read an entire book in one day? i think i read ender's game in one day.



Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? at what? sometimes second chances lead to unnecessary third and fourth chances. Take Hubble for example. She pees on the floor once, i tell her i'm getting rid of her if she does it again. And now it's like a daily thing and i can't get rid of her! gosh. Second chances aren't always worth it.



Do you miss anyone? always. Many people



Do you hate the last GIRL you had a conversation with? no, i don't.



Do you think your ex still likes you? hard to say. I like to tell myself that he does not, cause it's less stressful.



If you could move to Africa would you? i would visit, probably not move there though.

Have you ever been held back a grade in school? since i was born in september i had to wait a whole extra year to start kindergarten.



Are you easily scared by horror movies? no. why would you be scared by something that you know is fake? its the stuff that's kinda real that's scary.... like documentaries on eating too much fast food.

Do you still turn to your parents for advice or comfort? depends on the subject. i try to avoid asking anyone for advice or comfort. I'd rather not burden other people, not even my parents.



How long would it take you to walk home from school? 3 years, since i haven't been to school in that long.




Have you ever punched a tree? Not that i can recollect. One time when i was a kid i ran into a tree in our yard with my head and when my head hit the tree i knocked a bees nest out of it and was stung all over many times.


Do you find the opposite sex confusing? not all members of it, sometimes. But then i find all people confusing most of the time. so it's hard to differentiate between girls and boys and who is more confusing.




Do you know anyone who's been in jail? i'm sure i do... Yeah, dan the formerly homeless man i used to work with was arrested twice over memorial day weekend.




How many kids do you want? at the moment none.



When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep? always. every single time it goes off. So i set three alarms, and i still fall asleep after each one goes off.


Do you know anyone that lives in New York? sure.





Last time you ate a homegrown tomato? i try to avoid tomatoes as much as possible due to an unfortunate food allergy. and besides that aren't all tomatoes technically home grown, since they're all grown in their homes, even if that means they were grown in a lab somewhere, they were still grown in the tomatoes home.




When was the last time you argued about something with your boyfriend/girlfriend? i don't have a boyfriend so when could i have possibly argued with someone who doesn't exist?



Will you be in a relationship in a week? not likely.



When's the last time you saw your best friend? The last time i saw newton was last night.

Who was the last person to call you? August. He called to find out where recycled cycles was, i didn't know what to say.



Would you cry if you found out you were pregnant? oh heck yes, i'd cry because i wouldn't want to be.



Have you ever had a pet fish? lots. my sister murdered one once.



Are any of your friends pregnant? not to my knowledge.. it's possible though.



What do you need to go shopping for? bicycle helmet





What do you have to do tomorrow? pick up my bike from the shop, go ride bikes all day.



Do you think you'll make a good parent? probably not.



Are you taller than 5'5? much.



What were you doing at 9 this morning? working.



What are you doing on Saturday? maybe kickball, then omega man.



Do you like grilled cheese? i love cheese grilled or not.



Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? the only things that i allow to enter my nose are 1)tissue 2) netti pot 3) my fingers and 4) other carefully chosen items (i.e. clean pens)


Can you admit when you're wrong? yeah, as long as i am actually wrong.



Is there a person of the opposite sex that means a lot to you? sure lots, but not in a romantical sense.



Do you like to argue? no. arguing is for sucks.



Can you change a light bulb? even when it's broken to bits i can!





Where will your next vacation be? going to maui in sept. before that camping in august



When is the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face? um, when the guy backed into me at taco bell.



What is the last thing you spent money on? tostada salad for lunch



What would you do if your ex called and wanted you back? honestly i don't think i'd answer the phone.





What's your name? Natalie



What are you craving right now? nothing.



What was the last thing you cried about? let me think, i don't know. i don't remember the last time i cried.




Have you ever blocked someone? i can't say i have ever turned someone into a block before. though it sounds really cool. If anyone knows how please teach me.



Do you wear a nametag at school? i don't go to school. but if i did i would wear my name proudly.



Are you happy? i'm happy i don't have to work tomorrow.



What was the last movie you watched in theatre? The Dark Knight!



What is in your pocket? fabric?



Where do you hurt? my tum tum

What's something fun you did today? something fun... nothing yet. been at work all day.



What kind of milk do you drink? soy. mammal milk makes me ill.



What are you going to do after this? hopefully getting paid, depositing my check and going home.



Do you like pickles? mmmm. pickled spears.





Is someone in love with you? if they are i don't know about it.



Favorite popcorn flavor? um... carmel?





What were you wearing when your last kiss took place? no idea.. it was soooooo long ago.



Song playing right now? the sound of traffic outside my office and keys clattering on the keyboard and the girl who is replacing me complaining.



Does anyone like you? if they do... i don't know about it.

What were you doing an hour ago? working, probably this stupid thing.



Are you tired? not really. just uncomfortable.



What color is the shirt you are wearing? black hoodie.




Last person in your missed call list? randee



Last person you called? randee



Do you like dogs? some are ok. but i prefer cats.



Where were you at noon yesterday? probably sitting where i am now in the office playing freecell.

7.29.2008

we are family, i got all my sisters and me

hot dogs and beer to rockeroke and drinks.

Here's to krista's ridiculous ideas, long nights, seeing high school counselors act like fools, and really rough mornings.

wooo. last night was a hoot.

7.25.2008

A new way of life

paul newman and batman are the standard i hold all men to.

find some beautiful place to get lost

things i'm currently addicted to:

Elliot Smith
Edward Norton
Batman
Dreaming
Not working

7.22.2008

paranoid eyes will always come back for more

The weekend has left me covered in bruises (physically and emotionally.) I hate that certain people turn me into a total retard. I Love them. But i hate that it always ends that way. I guess it could be worse.

i walk away broken.

7.17.2008

i'm sick of workin for a living...

I finally told my boss last night that i'm starting my own business and i either want to work part time for a little while or i'm out now.

SO RELIEVED!!!!!

whew.

Unfortunately when i told him he said he couldn't make a decision right away. So we'll see how it pans out.

7.16.2008

Early Morning Suits You Well

I'm feeling extremely unproductive lately. Really looking forward to August and September. Wishing i had more time to myself. And more time with those i haven't seen enough.

Trying to make myself feel better.
don't worry i'm on my way out.

These are the things i've been dreaming:

{in reverse chronology starting with last night}
EDIT:
0.I dreamt that i got three speeding tickets in one day. Two were your average speeding tickets and one was astronomical $6,657 for going ten over. The cop said that making the ticket that much was the only way he could avoid arresting me.

1. (Batman comes out tomorrow night/friday.) I Dreamt there was a sneak preview on tv and i was watching it, and realized i was watching it and got really mad at myself but i couldn't stop watching it. Then i realized it wasn't the one with christian bale and heath ledger, it was one with a hodge podge of people who have been in batman movies and was thusly very decieving because it was new and it seemed like all the actors that were in it should be in the new batman.

2. I dreamt that i was traveling from town to town with my mom. Like we were nomadic. and we stopped in a fishing town. In the fishing town was a big beardy fisherman that i had met previously. we fell in love. But as usual i didn't bother investing an real emotions into it because i knew we'd both be gone before long and why risk feeling hurt?

3. I dreamt that me and randee were in a shipwreck and we survived because we're amazing. And since we were so amazing, the coast guard wanted us to train to be their rescue divers for the Bering Sea. So we did. This was some very hardcore training. It involved swimming in the bering sea. And i couldn't get the stupid gloves for my wet suit thing or the hood for it on cause it was too small and so i did the training without them and it was cold. But i lived. It built character.

4. I dreamt that Tegan and Ryley had a second wedding ceremony and a guy from off the street came in during the wedding and put his finger in the cake.

5. I dreamt that Tegan, Ryle, Kuma (tegan & ry's puppy), Randee and i were in the woods exploring this old abandoned house and i was sitting in our car when i wild pack of dogs and wolves started stalking us. And i saw them before it was to late and started yelling "WOLVES! WOLVES" and everyone ignored me. So i got out of the car and told them we need to leave. but by the time i got their attention it was too late. We were surrounded. (argh i just knocked my coffee over and it spilled all over my desk) And kuma who was very protective at first looked like she was about to turn on us. she was acting really weird, like she was stifling her wild dog tendancies. So i decided to sacrifce myself so my friends could get away. None of them tried to stop me so i walked up to this chow and expected it to eat me or at least attack me. But it just pushed the top of its head against my leg really hard. And suddenly i understood what was happening. The dogs/wolves were trying to figure out ways to communicate properly with humans. and when they pressed their heads against us they could.

7.03.2008

I washed out the inside of my head last night. it feels a little better.

I dreamt that it was snowing last night. It wasn't winter, it was july. And my dad was taking my friends to jump in a frozen river for a swim. And it started to snow stars. I later found out it was my friends little sister making snowballs look like stars and dropping them off the roof.

There has been lots of thunder and lightening this week. i love it. it makes me miss winter.

6.27.2008

I've decided to give up

Everyone keeps telling me i'm great and i will have no problem finding something that suits me. But if that is really the case then why wont anyone take me?

i'm tired of being turned down and people lying to my face.

i've decided to give up on the hunt. I'll just have to be miserable where i'm at forever i guess.

6.24.2008

like a dead man walking..

They tore down the denny's in ballard last night. After a year of being boarded up they finally demolished it in a few hours. It'll probably be on the news.

Skateboarding through ballard is super scary. too much speed. to much debris to hit. i scraped up my knee and palm pretty good trying to stop my board from shooting out into traffic. it hurts. but i'll live. i also stepped on the left front wheel on my board and fell on my back. which didn't hurt at all it was just hilarious. it hurt my pride a little. but not much.

District convention this weekend. i'm pretty excited for it. my mom is coming. i haven't seen her in a while.

Rando came home last night. maybe she'll go skate with me tomorrow after work.

Summer is finally here!

6.18.2008

The Search Continues

I'm tired of working because i have no other choice. and i'm tired of not being good enough. I feel like i'm getting dumber by the second. I'm grasping at the vocabulary i had as a child. So innocent and naive and enormous.

last night two people asked me if i cut my hair because i broke up with someone. They must not know me very well. Though i think they were on to something. I feel like i'm about to break up with the world. If things keep going the way they are i'm going to run away for good. Is it that obvious that i want to disappear right now? This very instant?

i'd like to have someone to run away with. i feel like that's all i'm waiting for. I'm okay with being poor i've been that way my whole life. I don't need to save money. I just need out.

6.11.2008

if i'm a spinster for the rest of my life my arms will keep me warm on cold and lonely nights

The search continues. Everyday i get a little closer to freedom. I just gotta find that one door out of here.

6.09.2008

did nothing today but walk a blind man to his bus stop

of all the emotionally disturbing things that have happened lately. you were the worst.
i'm fine now of course. and don't hold it against you. But next time don't mess with my head so much. i thought i'd be okay after that. but it took several strong drinks to get you out of my head and reorganize my thoughts. i'm wondering if this is your way of seeking revenge after all these years. i doubt it though.

between torrential downpours i warm up a little more. each day is flooding with unexpected dead trees and/or parts, which knock me over every time.

i'm tired of being defeated, lied to and forgotten.

6.06.2008

an enviable view point

you looked nice tonight.
the dark rain of today has been perfectly matched by the radiohead song (fade out) that randomly played during a burst of downpour.
condensed milk screwed me up good. i was sick. i fell down some stairs. i tried to laugh this off. but i'm still feeling the effects. i cant' wait til this passes.
tomorrow shall be a convergences of past and future. I'm not entirely sure how this will go. i'll probably need a shot of tequila to get myself through it.
i'd like to go live in the woods for some time. maybe that's what i'll do if my current situation requires a great deal of change. i'll find a cabin. and read all day. i better start saving my monies.
i was walking down the stairs at my apartment last night. it smelled like child hood memories. which caught me off guard.
this morning i woke up longing for the past, for a time when things seemed so hard, but upon reflection were much more inviting than now.

please forgive these thoughts of the past

6.02.2008

there aint no cure for the summertime blues

it was next to impossible to wake up this morning.
my dreams were scary and yet i couldn't bring myself to wake up and leave them.
i hate that.

keeping my fingers crossed for good things this after noon. one of two. i'll either want to celebrate or cry. don't know how much more waiting i can take.

wish me luck kiddo.

5.30.2008

i've been so philosophical today

what is today

how come the kids that sleep with their eyes open are already kind a creepy and weird? As if their general creepiness isn't enough, they have to sleep with their eyes open.

gross.

5.27.2008

camping is never as much fun with out you.

pictures of sasquatch .. some anyways.









5.22.2008

i'm losing touch with reality.

flashlights
and
batteries

5.15.2008

i think my biggest cause of stress right now is lack of communication. it's not that i like to be in control, though i think that's probably how it comes off. It's the opposite in fact. quite different. I'd prefer to not be the decision maker, that job is better suited for someone with stronger opinions. i'll give my input but i could usually careless about the outcome. passive.

But my point is that i'd just really appreciate it if instead of assuming i'm a mind reader people could just keep me informed.

For instance, at the begining of every month i go through our outstanding invoices and call people to collect on them. This month my boss neglected to inform me that he is giving certain customers a break on paying there bills cause fishing has been crap this year. So i call them, politely remind them they still owe us money and they inform me that "Shawn said they didn't have to pay til july"blah blah. Don't worry i told him how annoying that was, and how much i'd appreciate it if he kept me filled in on that kind of stuff.

Or just now i called a customer cause there was an invoice sitting on my desk for something we need to ship and it's got stuff written all over it. So i call them, tell them we need to get payment before we ship and they lady is like "oh i just talked to shawn about that, he said we dont' need to worry about it til next week" GAH!!!! i am so tired of apologizing for this kind of stuff. it's so retarded. JUST TELL ME! that's all i ask.

5.09.2008

i'm the same straight faced fat kid

i'm tired of dreaming.
i'm tired of my dreams keeping me up at night.
i'm tired of my dreams distracting me during the day.
i'm tired of dreaming things so horrible i wake up crying.
i'm tired of dreaming that good things go horribly wrong.
i'm tired of dreaming everything is dark.
i'm tired of dreaming about death.
i'm getting just very tired.

4.25.2008

A joy that i can't have






i can't get over how amazing this all is. i want a friend shark!!!


4.16.2008

I aint feelin tired no no no no

Funny how our words and actions can effect each other and we're so unaware of the pain we cause those closest to us. but we're all forgiven now.

dooo dooo dooo doo a whoo hooo whooo ahh hhaa

grateful for friends who have made life much less complicated and straightened out an extremely awkward situation and put things back like nothing ever happened. and we could laugh it off.

things keep ending up sideways today. crooked and broken. i feel like i could lose everything or nothing at all. time to power down and recharge batteries.

i'm not ready for summer. winter isn't over yet. there still too much to do before the sun comes. too much sleep to catch up on.

rainy windy beach feels so right. like i can breath.

4.10.2008

my god i'm a tomato

last night i cut my ankle while shaving my legs. i haven't bled that much since i sliced the side of my leg on some broken glass. dang. it's probably still bleeding.

4.01.2008

spinning thoughts in my head

-jollification
-xenophobia
-sister
-driving
-pay check
-lunch
-time zones
-work
-spaghetti
-revelation
-brother
-danny kaye
-isaac brock
-post office
-business meetings next week
-skateboarding

and so much more

3.25.2008

take me somewhere that i don't know

i will not be stranded here this time. i've found escape and it's a state of mind.

3.18.2008

my MPD

Lately i've been thinking about Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) and wondering if that might explain some things. i mean, the idea that i could potentially be acting a certain way and not remembering it is totally feesible. The relationship i have with my cats is borderline MPD as it is. and i recall a time when my sister and i weren't totally sure we weren't the same person. Like maybe her moving to hawaii is actually just the fading out of my KT personality and now she's coming back for a visit. which is very exciting. and perhaps some new personalities have come into the picture.

Sometimes i think that maybe everything that goes on in the world is just a product of my MPD and i'm not really me, but i'm everyone. And you're everyone, so we're the same person, but you're just another wrinkle in my brain. catch my drift?

i'm lost

i feel like any part of me that was every even remotely creative has been destroyed by inhibitions, worry and inability to sleep.
i like to think that at one point in time i was creative even if just a little. but now i question whether or not i actually was or it was just a trick.
Now it feels like it's much easier to be unimpressive.
i envy your artistic abilities, i always have.
this feeling makes me want to quit my job and move back in with my parents.
i'm tired of being an adult. time to be a kid again.

3.13.2008

i got to drop my boy off at school yesterday. i felt like a part time mom. hah. it was nice. good to see you're still alive and well.

3.10.2008

This weekend: and Overview

Saturday:

The talent show. Superb! i think we got the best audience reaction of any skit saturday night. As soon as people realized what was going on (when fozzie and kermit appeared) they flipped out and were screaming and cheering us on. and afterwards all the little kids ran over to us and were climbing all over us and asking to play with the puppets. it was pretty satisfactory.

Sunday:
After breaking my phone and getting a new one then running into daniel and devon totally randomly and then starting the creep justin out plan. we went to the vandals show. ohmygosh so good. i think i needed a good fun punk show really bad. i remember now why i stopped getting to into crowds and mosh pits (i'm a big bruise today) and i also now know why punk girls have shaved heads/short hair. i don't think i've ever lost that much hair in such a short time. but the crowd was awesome. not by any means bothersome or annoying, kind of an older crowd, which makes sense cause the vandals are getting old. it was almost like all these old punk guys brought their 12-16 year old really awesome kids. it was also the cleanest crowd i've ever been in. usually when you're in a crowd covered in other people's sweat it smells awful like death b.o. and the stinkiest farts. but it smelled like shampoo and flowers and perfume. even the big fat guys smelled kinda nice. that was a shocker. and even when you did get knocked over or loose your glasses some big 40 year old guy immediately dove down to pick you up and make sure you're okay or help you find your glasses. and besides all that the vandals just put on an awesome show. they were hilariuos and just all around really amazing. i'm glad i went. so thanks to mike for inviting me.

3.07.2008

"you said i'd wake up and get drunk alone in the park. i called you a liar"

all day today i've felt like screaming. not at anyone or thing. just screaming. i need you to give me a hug. that's all i can ask.
i bought my sister a plane ticket to home.
tomorrow all of our hard work will be put to use. this is only a prelude of things to come. just wait you'll fall in love with our art. there are very few artists out there like us. the best are dead. does that mean we'll die young?
i'm nervous or anxious(for a completely unrelated reason i think.) i know what will make that go away even though i don't know why i am nervous. and more sad i can't make it go away not today or tomorrow. maybe the next day

2.26.2008

what is your porpoise in life?

i was cleaning out boxes of stuff in my closet last night. i found many treasures. (mixed tapes, doodles from conventions past, photos of forever ago, old year books)
tonight i will move furniture and go through more stuff. i have a whole heaping pile of stuff to go to the thirft store.

also our tv died of what seems like natural causes on sunday. it wasn't old age, cause it wasn't that old. but regardless we're in the market for a new tv now... if i had a 40oz. i'd pour a little out for the tv. but i'm at work and don't. maybe i'll pour out some of my water.

2.22.2008

Today is comparitively better than the last. i woke up late, this is usually not a good start. housesitting has taken a toll on my sanity. but its nice out and its friday.
yesterday when my hair band broke i compared it to my life. a useless piece of rubber covered in cloth. broken and no longer serves its original purpose. but i tied it back together and it works just the same. that's how today is. not perfect but back to status quo with a few new knots.

2.20.2008

somebody tried to sell me fine art at a wholesale price today. I told him no i'm not interested. and he said "well do you know anyone who likes music?" i mumbled something a long the lines of "uhhhh....." and he pulls out this "Matted and Framed!" picture of a guy playing a piano... how ridiculous is that? what a scam...

i realized that i'm depressed because while i could be doing fun things on the weekends i'm sleeping instead. that depresses me. which makes me sleep more... i need someone to go to the park with on saturday and sunday afternoons. anyone? anyone?

2.18.2008

Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes.

Does confusion have anything to do with Confucius?
Confucius was a Chinese thinker and social philosopher. His philosophy emphasized personal and governmental morality, correctness of social relationships, justice and sincerity. Confucius' thoughts have been developed into a system of philosophy known as Confucianism.
Or is it just confusionism?

I’m missing certain parts of my world, maybe not the ones you'd expect. You should know who you are. And I’d like to see you soon.

The cat slept with me last night. It made me sleep easier. No nightmares. Though also, the Nyquil slept with me too.. Which means, no coughing and easier sleep too.

I need an idea for a production... anyone got one?
My appendages won’t stay warm.

2.07.2008

there'll be no more dinner bells left for you to ring

today i'm my own boss. i was left alone. and i'm happy.
when did i become this person? i'm in pain all day.
but i'm smiling. Nothing is changing how i feel inside.
i need to be squeezed. i'll never admit that.
Today is my day. Thursday is now declared Natalieday. unofficially.
home seems closer today than most other days.
monday i could've died. tuesday i felt like hell. wednesday i ate a steak with my closest. thursday i'm my own boss.

Looking forward to the summer. Hopefully summer will be filled with these days, days where i can be smiling and free. Anyone want to join my Natalieday revolution?

1.25.2008

i decided, well since i don't have a whole lot to do at work, that today will be my day dream day... unfortunately i keep getting interrupted by phone calls and bills and customers... i simply can't day dream when there are people around.

1.21.2008

going crazy

so since i've been feeling so insane and like i might kill someone lately....
Here's what happened on friday night.
Randee and i leave taco bell to head down to monster trucks at the T-Dome. and i'm waiting behind this van at the light to turn left on to 15th ave. and the van starts backing up. and since i'm in gear and can't get into reverese quick enough i just lay on the horn hoping that the driver will stop. but he doesn't stop. and after he makes contact with my front bumper he still doesn't stop backing up.
So i set my burrito down and get out of my truck and walk up to his door, and he has no intention of getting out until i do this. and i snap and start yelling at him "WHAT THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!!!" etc. and and just stumbles out of his van drunk as can be cigarette hanging out of his mouth and says:
"oh i didn't see you there.... i was trying to make the light go"
and i reply " AGHHG!!! you don't have insurance do you?"
he says "no. it didn't do any damage anyways did it?"
i just yelled at him to "get out of here"
All the while randee's sitting in the truck eating her tacos thinking to herself "taco, or help natalie fight with this guy, taco or fight, taco or fight"
Stupid jerk. i should've punched him the the face
anyways monster trucks was just a great way to forget about my bent license plate, but i could totally sympathize with the demolition derby.

1.18.2008

there is history here

today is hard.
tomorrow will be harder.
we're acting like fools in this cold place.
try to fix it before the memories fade.
then the next day begins new.
thank you for being here.
can we make it better before it's too late?

1.16.2008

Picture this


if you will. i think i'm going crazy.

i feel like former chief inspector charles dreyfus... catch my drift?


1.11.2008

a conversation over the phone

Me: Oh man! the cheese out and ready to be cut!

Dad: oh... heh... i thought you already cut the cheese.

Me: not me, but somebody sure has been.

this was in reference to the fact that randee left the cheese out on the counter last night so i could cut it up for cheese and crackers... i love my family

1.03.2008

running away

when i see business people running down the street i like to imagine that their running away from their office to be free from work. even though they are running to the bus so they can get to work on time... i still like to think that they're finally escaping the great monster called work. i envy them. someday i too will be free.

speaking of work.. I'm beginning to wish that i could anonymously hold a "personal hygiene" class every few months. My coworkers stink so bad.. And while i too smell sometimes, at least i don't make an entire warehouse smell like i pooped in my pants and then set them in front of the heater.

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!